Martians

NPR (National Public Radio) has a show called Studio 360. This weekend they did a show on Violence and had a reading of Jack Handy's "My Speech to the Martians." As a fan of senseless violence, this short essay had me rolling. Below, I will post a few of my favorite quotes.

But you can’t kill an idea. And that idea is: me chasing you with a big wooden mallet.

If you will not free me, at least deliver a message to Earth. Send my love to my wife, and also to my girlfriend. And to my children, if I have any anyplace. Ask my wife to please send me a bazooka, which is a flower we have on Earth.

You say your civilization is more advanced than ours. But who is really the more “civilized” one? You, standing there watching this cage? Or me, with my pants down, trying to urinate on you?

The Studio 360 site has an audio file of the reading available for download. The The New Yorker has the full text.